Sometimes I need to get over myself and my biases. I am very opinionated and I tend to have black and white vision where things are either good or bad. This offers little room in the case of compromise and acceptance. I think it was Alder who stated that middle siblings usually possess as strong sense of justice and I am not an exception. When I see something that I don’t like, I say something and damn the consequences. It’s not really an endearing trait.
I am pretty big on child nutrition and breastfeeding. Years of breastfeeding classes, literature and LLL meetings have led me to believe that I know a thing or two about it. What I always failed to see was the opposite end of the spectrum and the consequences of passing judgment (even if not intentionally) on those who do not chose my path.
I always felt like breastfeeding in public earned me dirty looks. Friends and family have scorned my choice to breastfeed past the age of 12 months (many told me I should have weaned even earlier). I felt like a minority. Nudges of insecurity and the need to defend myself closed me off entirely to the emotions of those who don’t breastfeed. I am pretty sure that I need not tick off the merits of breastfeeding to the women readers of my blog, so I won’t go there.
Someone close to me recently decided to bottle feed after 2 or 3 days of attempting to breastfeed. When she told me, I couldn’t help to feel bad about it but it also made me want to support her decision. I tried to look up informational sites and support groups for bottle feeding infants. What I found instead were series after series of sites devoted to either the merits of breastfeeding or slandering those who chose to breastfeed. I found some guides to choosing bottles (http://www.ewg.org/babysafe). I think what disappointed me was that there was almost nothing (that my Google search could locate) for the mothers who simply want help and emotional support with bottle feeding. I did find this:
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/news/fullstory_86862.html
It was just a blurb, but I found a couple more like it. It was very disturbing to me. If a woman is going to use formula, she should be offered the education to do it in ways that best benefit her child. It also made me think of the insecurities that we all have as parents and how many of the things that both the bottle feeder and breast feeder go through are similar: public comments, varied feelings of insecurity, concerns about nutrition and food intake, etc. I found a couple of blogs and articles on failed attempts to breastfeed:
http://www.momadvice.com/parenting/bottlefeeding.aspx
In any case, my search helped me to find the connection between all of the mothers that I read about: for varying reasons and with various justifications in making their decisions, everything boiled down to women wanting what it best for their children. I can see things as wrong or right and that’s fine, but everyone has their reasons and their problems. Seeing bottle feeding as a cop-out or sign of bad parenting really doesn’t help anyone and from what I read, the majority of bottle feeding moms have experienced their fair share of guilt as it is. Support and education are what is needed for every mom, regardless.
I think that if I want to do any breastfeeding consulting (which I do, in one form or another), I should know about every way to feed a baby. I can’t get my heart broken over every baby with a bottle in its mouth (dramatic, right?!). Anyways, this blog was just some food for thought
Well as a mother that had to deal with both ends of the spectrum I feel that some people are too fast to judge whether its breast or bottle. You will always be judged on your parenting and you just have to do what you feel is right. As a co-sleeper we have been told its not right and I gave it up from the time she was 4 month till she was 19 months. But now I realize that co-sleeping is what is best for our family. And people need to make an educated decision based on their needs for their family. Not on what other people think. Now it is totally different, in my opinion, if someone is making an asumption as to why someone chose to bottle feed, rather than nurse, instead of giving them the benifit of the doubt. Also people that choose to bottle feed before attempting to nurse, or don't because they are selfish and don't want the baby taking up their time...now those are the people who erk me. But as a mother who both nursed and sadly after many failed attempts had to start formula at 7 months, I feel that you just have to put aside all of your worries about other mom's judging you and just do whats right for your child and yourself.
ReplyDeleteI love that you have nursed Lea this long, and am excited for you to start your new nursing journy with your little one again! I am very supportive of nursing in public and feel that people who judge are probably subjects of judgement in other areas of their lives as well.
I don't think my blog really had much of a point aside from the fact that I need to look at all perspectives. There will always be stuff that others do with their children that I don't agree with and I need to refrain from getting emotional about it. Like you said, being a parent puts you under the microscope and people will judge because that's what people do. I was stuck as to how to offer support or excitement for the friend's feeding methods and that's why I looked into the subject. Was an effort made towards breast feeding? Not really. Should I judge? I have no right. I occasionally need to take a breath and practice a bit of humility.
ReplyDeleteI saw first hand your struggles with feeding Hannah. You became one with the Boppy. THAT'S trying-- not to mention succeeding since you did it for longer than a lot of American women.
Well thank you, that really does mean a lot to hear someone say you did a good job when you worked so hard and failed. Yes I agree that there aren't many resources out there for bottle feeding support. But I think right now there is a real strive to get breastfeeding on every new mom's brain instead of formula.
ReplyDeleteBut yes, there needs to be a place mother's can go when they are forced to turn to formula. I think that LLL really welcomed me with open arms even though I was formula feeding and breastfeeding. They even offered to let me come back to meetings when I stopped nursing just to give other moms support. So I think you just have to give her the support she needs and let her know that she is a good mom reguardless.
Good luck :)
we get this argument at WIC all the time: how can we promote breastfeeding and offer formula at the same time?
ReplyDeleteit's pretty simple really. not every woman will breastfeed. either they choose not to or it doesn't work out no matter how hard a mother tries. does that mean those mothers and children deserve to be punished and given unsanitary formulas? no. they deserve the healthiest possible as well.
our BF coordinator when to an IBCLE prep course and the instructor was a *big* lactivist and even she said "it's the mother's choice. it's not our job as LCs to make sure every single mom does it; it's our job to provide as much information and support so that the mothers can make an informed decision for themselves."
good topic, Danielle.
also, if moms are not given information about safe bottlefeeding, they may end up putting all kinds of scary stuff in the bottle.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah-- like rice cereal to "fill them up longer" at one week of age. I feel so passionately about breastfeeding but I think that it is sad that the education isn't readily available to maximize health for bottle feeders. I am so mixed up on the topic. Do you think it's a sign that maybe I should hold off on applying at WIC?? What kinds of things do you deal with there?
ReplyDeleteno, i don't think it's a sign that you should hold off.. if anything it tells me the opposite because you care about the safety and nutrition of ALL babies, not just those who are exclusively breastfed.
ReplyDeleteWIC's job is to promote breastfeeding first and foremost. there are options avaiable to moms who excl. BF, partially BF or completely formula feed. we encourage moms to excl. BF, but work with them to figure out what options work best if it is just not working out.
we deal with the same frustrations over and over- some moms aren't really into it and make excuses to wean instead of being honest and trying what we suggest. but again, it's their choice. so the dietician steps in at that point and teaches proper bottle feeding (no propping!) and gives a list of what not to put in a bottle (um, Caro syrup anyone??)
one of the biggest misconceptions that we face is that it is not safe to both breastfeed and feed formula, so that explains why some women go straight to formula. we support all breastfeeding efforts and play up the good parts, i.e.: "yay! you breastfed for 6 months! what a milestone." (of course we try very hard to help them to keep nursing too)
sorry to get long-winded.