Rough Times

“Babies just cry a lot. It’s okay”. That’s what I always tell Lea in order to help her know that there’s no serious urgency in her baby brother’s cries (which usually only occur when you change his wee little diaper). In my mind, there should be no grave reason for a newborn to cry—it ‘s a form of communication, not an expression of sadness or pain.

A few days ago, I was folding laundry next to Noah’s swing. It was the first time that I really put him down in order to get some housework done. He had been in there for about 10 minutes before he turned dark blue around the mouth and fingers. I had been looking over at him throughout my chore and grabbed him as soon as I noticed his coloring. He startled and drew in a deep breath, but it took about 5 minutes for his color to return to normal. He felt cold in spite of the blanket and fleece sleep n’ play that covered him.

I called the Army’s nurse’s advice line and they told me to take him to the ER as soon as possible. From there, he was admitted into the pediatrics’ ward for testing and 48 hour monitoring. In one day, I heard hours of pain-filled cries from my newborn as he was pricked and tested for everything under the sun. It was by far the worst day of my life and I know for sure that it was the worst of his. My calm thoughts on the cries of newborns changed into a kind of sad panic as I sat with him through unsuccessful IV attempts and listened as they withdrew his spinal fluid.

After two days of monitoring, the test results came back clear, and aside from one additional incident where his levels went down and he was given oxygen, the stay was uneventful. I am emotionally exhausted, and Noah has been sleeping soundly for the first time in days. He was diagnosed with exaggerated cyanosis, or bluing of the mouth and extremities. I should have checked his feet and mouth coloring when this happened, but I didn’t know to.

I have a lot to be thankful for in this. I was awake when this happened, and there’s no telling what would have happened if I hadn’t startled him awake. He may have woken himself up. Maybe not. Will it happen again? There’s no telling. Machines that monitor infants with apnea have shown to cause more harm than good and are considered by the medical community as being ineffective. For this reason, we were not given one.

Dr. Sears has presented arguments that attachment parenting reduces SIDS, and perhaps the fact that I practice it will ensure that I can help Noah through any reoccurrences that he may have. I feel confident in the fact that I am doing everything that I can possibly do, but this whole thing shook our entire family in a big way. Lea and Miles were stressed for several reasons.

On the upside, Noah has been gaining weight steadily. One half of a pound in his first week! He seems to be in good health.

I am done writing for now. I’m exhausted.